So....I might not fail EEI after all....

Two years learning it in school and I manage a C in my essay and have no idea where I went wrong or even what I was actually meant to have done.

1 hour talking with Rachel and I can hold onto the concept with my mind and I can see a light at the end of the EEI HSC tunnel.


Eeek!!!!

We each decide who we are. We all have the basics - emotions, thoughts, senses. We all experience things. But I don't believe it is purely the differences of experiences which shape us into different people, but the way we perceive them.We have choices as to how to act a react. Choices as to what to think and how to feel.
Like everyone else, I have made these choices, both consciously and unconsciously.I have chosen to be optimistic, to be religious, to be studious, to follow the rules, to be cotten candy and sugar sweet to the best of my ability.
This is who I am now. To change I would be accused of NOT being myself.
And that is okay with me. I like being thought of as I am - I have worked hard to gain my goody-girl reputation.
But while this is how I have chosen to act...it is not all of me.
I cannot be ALL of me. To be all of what I am at once I would become such a huge paradox that every part of me would cancel every other part of me out and I would become nothing. To be all of what I am by being different at different times as it would confuse and distance people. They would shake their heads and say I'd changed, that they didn't know me any more and that I should be hanging with a different crowd.
I have not been myself today. Not the self you know.
I have been able to do this because I have been alone in my study, where no one can see me. No one can hear my music and say that it's too dark for me. No one can see my clothes and say it's to revealing for me. No one can see the picture on my wall and tell me that girl is no role model for me. No one can read what I have written and tell me it did not come from me. No one can see how I've acted and say it does not suit me.
I like my music, I like my clothes, I like those people who can be everything I hold the potential to be but can never bring myself to be.
When I'm by myself there is no need to define me and I can be any part of me I want to be.
And you don't have to look down your nose at me and say you don't know who I am today. All you can do is read this post and think "she probably wasn't as different today as she thinks she was", and that's okay for you to think that. It's best that you think that.

But I know it's not true.

There's more to me than that...

_________________________________
Some different me walks a different path,
plays a different game,
wears a different mask.

Some different meknows a different day,
sees a different life,
and goes a different way...

Of course, in the middle of my HSC I will stay up until midnight to start researching and learning about something 100% unrelated to school and the H.S.C.

But Religion exam was fairly good indeed! I started answering the first question and realised I suck at putting my thoughts into concise words, so I left it and came back to it once I was on a roll. I had so much to write, and actually had to ask for extra paper!!! That has never happened to me before! But sheesh, I had so much to write about everything. I wish I had been able to write more for that essay, I had to just pick out some of the things I knew which would satisfy the question, but I could have written twice what I wrote with all this stuff I have retained in my head. It's sort of annoying because I just want to add a p.s. at the end to the examiners saying "I wrote this, but there's lots more where that came from!"

3/7ths of my H.S.C. exams are done! Yay!

Here I am...

At that stage where I can taste the H.S.C. I can smell it with every breath, and even when I close my eyes it is still there.
But I'm not afraid and I am not stressed.
There is so much more I could do, so much I could know better if I just pushed a little harder. But I can't push. Not more than I have. I've worked consistantly and studied harder than I have for any other exam of my life. I know the work and am feeling good.
I am not kidding myself - I am not expecting 100%. I surprise myself by settling for less, but I am. Why stress and become sick again to achieve a UAI that I don't need?
Don't get me wrong. I work hard, and I would love very much to be manage a UAI of 100, but...it's just not worth it. It is not the most important thing in my life. Perhaps it should be? Perhaps I should be stressed out of my brain?Perhaps I should be sacrificing sleep and happiness for this brief moment of my life? But I see no point.
I'll be fine, I'll manage a UAI sufficient to get me into one of those courses. And I can honeslty say I don't mind what course I get into.
My life is not written yet, and I'll be guided by a higher power than myself - God, the Universe, call it what you will. I will be lead where I am needed. I'll leave that to God, and I shall work hard to help keep as many options open as I can.
But I have to remember what actually means something to me. I need to make sure that, just because we have been taught that the H.S.C. is this huge thing that means so much, I don't lose sight of the things that I hold important.
Not what a syllabus tells me is important, but what my heart tells me is important.

The H.S.C. is almost here, and I am not saying I am giving up, or not bothering to try or care about it. I'm just saying I'm not worried.
I'll do my best.
I'll still be here no matter what UAI I achieve, and so long as I am here I am capable; so long as I am here I am worthy. I could get a horrible UAI, but those things which matter to me most would not be affected.

The value of myself and of my life is not a measure of my answers in an exam.
And neither is yours.

What smells so good?

Oh! It's me! =) I dropped in at the chemist today to pick up a prescription and while I was waiting for it I tried on some yummy perfumes.I want to smell like Exotica, by Rémy Latour - it's sharp yet...warm.And it's only $15 a bottle! So I can afford to smell like it!Unlike Opium, which I love more than any other, but which I can't afford to smell like except on special occasions.

I haven't done much revision today, besides the half to one hour when I was under the surgeon's knife =)

Yes, indeed I was. I have 6 stitches ^_^ My first ever.
As they worked (cleaning with antiseptic, injecting local anesthetic, slicing, cutting, digging, chopping, sewing and dressing) they were asking me all about my Speeches topic for English (the Dr is the father of another boy from our year - Drew, for those of you who are in the know).For the first little piece of me that they cut out it didn't hurt a bit (good ole local anesthetic). I just felt some pulling when they put the stitches in. For the second though I could feel the sensation of sharp. They began to cut deeper. Then I said "ow". Just quietly, as if it was more interesting than painful. They gave me more local anesthetic. Just as well. Only felt the pulling sensation after that.

Do you know what I find interesting? I would never ever ever get cosmetic surgery. I am somewhat against the idea. Yet...I'd get those two little bits of me cut out and leave feeling so happy to have seen the last of them. Neither were going to turn cancerous and kill me. One admittedly was in the way of my bra strap and was frequently knocked and would bleed, so that's fair enough to remove it. But the other one? What did it ever do besides look darn ugly? Nothing, that's what. So why do I feel so okay about cutting it out of me, yet still not feel that I have compromised those cosmetic surgery values? ...I'm not sure...

Went to school today. That was good. I love that place so much. And those people. It was so strange to see the table in the valley emptied, and the seats in the quad deserted. It broke my heart. But it was great to see so many year 12s there, even if I was the only one in my school skirt...

I shall wind up here. Any more blabbering and not only will no one bother reading it, but I will miss any chance at fitting in some study.

Blessings all!

p.s. the adrenalin in local anesthetic makes you shake like crazy! I was afraid I was going to make them cut wrong! Doctors are amazing.

Bonjour,
Je suis Gemma et j'ai dis-huit ans.
J'ai les yeux gris et les cheveux bruns. Je suis barvarde, heureuse, optimiste, responsable, honnêtte, et au peu zinzin.
Jádore danser et chanter et ecoutè la musique.
Je deteste le beurre - Berk!

Okay, so I lied. I'm not french =P
Anyone who is fluent at french could probably tell that, but it was worth a shot.

Bonjour anyway =)